Back in November 2024, I set out on this sobriety journey. If I hadn’t stumbled, I’d be celebrating ten months soon. But I did stumble. So instead, I’m sitting at five months sober- since May 1st. No smoking. No drinking.
I usually struggle at the three-month mark, but this time I’ve passed it. That feels huge. I’m so proud of myself. What helps me most is not making sobriety my whole identity. I don’t count days on a calendar or stare at every milestone like trophies. I forget substances exist until life places one in front of me again. That’s why I don’t write about sobriety too often.
But I realized in my last update that I never really talked about the relapse itself, or what I was thinking when it happened. I think it was partly because I was ashamed, but that part is important.
What happened was… I didn’t quit smoking because I truly wanted to quit it. I quit because I thought I couldn’t quit drinking without quitting smoking. The two fed off of each other. When I smoked, I wanted to drink. Cutting them both out felt like the only way forward.
But I always told myself that quitting smoking was temporary. On January 26th, I convinced myself I could reintroduce weed. Life was stressful was and, honestly, I missed it. My body remembered my pattern too well though. Within weeks of lighting up, I was drinking again. That lasted for 3 months, until I learned about magnetic fields.
That relapse taught me that smoking and drinking are not two separate choices for me. They’re a package deal. I can’t open the door to one without inviting the other.
Earlier this month, though, I discovered a new kind of weakness. When my girlfriend had a rough day at work and wanted a drink to unwind. I didn’t drink with her, but I wanted to. And if I’m being honest- if she had pressured me, I probably would’ve folded.
That moment showed me something different. The danger isn’t always in stress, or boredom, or cravings. Sometimes it’s love and intimacy. My sobriety has to be able to hold steady inside my relationships, too.
So here I am, five months sober- not ten. But that’s five months with a clear mind and five months stronger. And I love that for me. I used to say, “Life shouldn’t be done sober.” Right now, I don’t know if that’s true.
If you’re just finding this post, you can catch up on the beginning of my sobriety journey here.
